The Prudent Prius

Satire for the petrol-inclined

  • Shane Kowalski

Scandal: Jay Leno “I am your Father”

Updated: Mar 21, 2019

-Los Angeles

“You can’t fool the internet, the hive mind is just too powerful.” -Rick

No truer words have been spoken following the latest video to surface from famed YouTuber Doug Demuro. Unlike like other videos from our beloved Auto Journalist, closer inspection reveals, this is no “review” video at all, but rather, an allegory for attention from his real father, Jay Leno.

This isn’t the first time rumors have surfaced of the potential Father Son relationship. “Physical similarities are undeniable” says genetic engineering professor Rubin Rubinstein “From the tall structure, dark hair, to unmistakable chin, even their jovial laugh is an indicator. Furthermore, when you apply the facial recognition data points, correlations abound. It does indeed appear they are closely related.”

It doesn’t stop there. When asked about other uncanny similarities, the professor only strengthens his position. “Well, the ability to passionately yet objectively review the same subject, such as cars, is rooted in the Dorsolateral Prefrontal and Amygdala regions of the brain, which of course is determined by genetic predisposition. Having an equal balance of the two is both odd and mathematically rare. Add to that identical poor fashion traits, and inability to care what people think of your physical appearance, and well, it’s an inexcusable amount of similarities”.

But if this is the obvious, even the past, what does the new McLaren F1 video have to do with this? Well, it reveals a good bit. We contacted famed behavioral psychologist and professor Frederic Durbenhauf for his thoughts.

“With someone who has such long track record as Doug, to go completely contrary to his previous video’s, is the strongest tell there is something personal, or even hidden in the message” Says Durbenhauf.

Right off the bat, and abnormally fidgety Doug Demuro exclaims this car is, “Quite Simply The Greatest Car Ever Made”. Words never to be uttered by the previously respected journalist. “To propose such a thing (greatest car ever made) so early in a video and contrary to his previous videos, had nothing to do with the car, but it appears to be admiration for his father." Doug continues with “has no equal” and then immediately to the cars value. "This isn’t a review, it’s a plea for acceptance.” continues Drubenhauf.

YouTube comments seem to coincide with the premise of Dr. Drubenhauf. The YouTube comment section, widely regarded as Keen, Knowledgeable, and Respectful, call out Demuro with his exaggerated opinion of the car. One stating..."so basically, it's just an M3 with the engine in the back. I don't get why Doug is making such a big deal." With 45 likes on the comment, who are we to question.

Further in the video, Doug is seen sitting to the right of his Fa… Jay. Not only is this the first time Doug has let someone else drive, but he purposely sits to the right, a position of a prince waiting to receive his heir to the King (his Father). We see other tells as well, from the boyhood giddyness to the wiping of emotion from his eyes, in this video, Doug Demuro is throwing signs obvious to all but the most blind.

“If this was a criminal investigation, everyone in the room would know that Doug is hiding his emotions and striving for acceptance from his Father.” Says Drubenhauf

We hired a Private Investigator to dig deeper in the potentiality of this scandal. It’s most widely accepted that Jay and his wife have never conceived a child. However, documents reveal a startling possibility.

There is a period, a period of 9 months coincidentally, where Jay and his wife took a hiatus in the fall of 1987. “In late October of 1987 a few exceptional details, previously unnoticed, have unearthed.” says our investigator.

“We never had a reason to dig before, never a reason to question or ask, but now it all start to make sense”. October 23 1987, after a romantic date followed by a very exclusive screening of the movie “Tucker”, this, this exact point is where things turn fishy.

Immediately the next morning, records show the couple taking an unscheduled vacation to Sant’Agata Bolognese Italy. Originally thought a get-a-way to discover the beautiful countryside, now felt, a quiet, secure, discreet place to have a child.

Is it possible, after an inspiring tail of building the ultimate automotive machine, the “Tucker”, a story plucked out of time directly from Jay’s youth, that it may have been all too much to bare? Is it possible with all that admiration, Love, and a few bottles of Cabernet, that Jay decided to conceive a grand plan of his own, placing him at the top of automotive food chain? Follow along, the last few details may be all you need.

While searching for evidence of our theory, no hotel receipts were obtained in Sant’ Agata, however, plotting restaurant receipts along with sightings of Jay at the time coordinate to exactly one point on the map, Museo Lamborghini. Jay, long known to have connections with insiders at Lamborghini is suspected to have stayed at the original factory, now museum in Sant’Agata Bolognese. Likely, the place of Doug’s birth.

When you even look at Doug’s last name “DeMuro”, it’s a perfect representation of who Jay is. Combine Jay’s name, with his most beloved car, the Lamborghini Miura, and you have the manufacturing of the perfectly forged automotive child. The Leno… The Muira…

The Muiro… Demuro........... Doug Demuro. What more evidence do you need.

We try not to assume here at the Prudent Prius, however, it is our job to speculate. If there was ever a scandal that made more sense, we haven’t seen it. Jay Leno is possibly the coolest car guy we’ve ever known. And while the cool part certainly hasn’t been passed to Doug, everything else has. From conception following the heels of the greatest car story ever told (Tucker), to the potential birth in a Lamborghini factory, and the genetics and heritage of our beloved leader. Doug Demuro, may just be, the Luke Skywalker of automotive journalist.

The article has been written for satirical purposes and is not meant to represent the actual views of the parties mentioned therein.

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