The Prudent Prius

Satire for the petrol-inclined

  • Shane Kowalski

Corvette "New Balance" edition immortalizes a generation.

Updated: Mar 22, 2019

With the new Mid Engine C8 Corvette being prepped and tested, Chevrolet decided to pull out all the stops with the final addition of it’s traditional Front Engine Rear Drive layout. In an unusual but creative partnership, Chevrolet consulted with successful retailer JC Penny to create what has been called “the most important Corvette of our generation”.

While there is still some speculation on the details, a reliable Detroit insider has confirmed a few unusual but relevant features.

Comfort and safety was a focus for this outgoing model. While softer springs and dampers are an obvious change, engineers really focused on the driver and interior. Blue leather, ventilated and heated seats are standard, to avoid “blue jean” bleed-through typically found on lighter colored leathers. Prune juice and bodily fluid resistant materials are prevalent throughout the cabin. Larger cup holders, increased pedal box area and softer armrest are also standard.

Where the details start to get juicy is in the tech department. “We’ve done something special with the tech in this edition, we expect many manufacturers to follow our lead” says lead engineer Fred. And done something special they have. It all starts with gauge cluster fonts that are triple in size and are not customizable to “avoid confusion”. Cluster shows only relevant information such as speed and current AM Radio Station. “Life Alert 2.0” connectivity takes the place of GM’s popular “Onstar”.

“Our focused groups worked hard on this one. At the end of the day we decided a concept of a love child between the traditional Corvette and the “Jitterbug” mobile phone was the foundation we needed. Enhancements from our partners at JC Penny and New Balance were a welcome topping to round this car out to something very special” says lead engineer.

And a final topping indeed. To ensure the hearts and homes of owners, Chevrolet has commissioned each “New Balance” edition with chrome Limited Edition numbered plaques, matching numbered Ball Cap, Jean Shorts (custom sized), Sunglasses, 1 year supply of Ensure nutrition drinks, and of course New Balance 624 shoes. “Making this edition Limited was never a question from our team. Our motto was, “your lifespan is limited, your car should be too.””

Only 60,000 examples are scheduled for production.

The article has been written for satirical purposes and is not meant to represent the actual views of the parties mentioned therein.

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