The Prudent Prius

Satire for the petrol-inclined

  • Shane Kowalski

NATO Deploys V8 Mustangs for Crowd Control

Brussels Belgium:

It’s no secret that as tensions grow throughout the globe, protest control is at the top of the list for Security Forces. While Tear Gas, Water, and even Sound Waves have been used, more effective innovations are always welcome. Of all companies, Ford may have the answer.

Executive Director of the Global Crowd Security Initiative, Bruce Bashum states that: “In our search for more effective protocols in crowd control, an unlikely but extremely effective source showed up on our radar, and the funny thing is, we weren’t even looking for it. The Ford Mustang!” While typically not efficient in many categories, as a crowd dispersing machine, it seems the V8 Mustang is in a league of its own.

Here are the issues. Tear gas, water, even sound wave technology, while having has some effect on crowds, are fairly inconsistent in their efforts, they’re just not universally respected. However, our research uncovered that when a V8 Mustang shows up, EVERYBODY runs. When further exploring the phenomenon, we discovered the Mustang is the silver Bullit of crowd control.

Mr. Bashum continues, “for effective crowd control you need three things: Intimidation, Unpredictability, and Fear for one’s own life. And the V8 Mustangs provide all three. Our research showed that surprisingly, the Ford Mustang seems to have gift for finding crowds and barreling into them with surprising accuracy.”

When asked how much driver input is needed for effectiveness, Mr. Bashum didn’t blink with his reaction. Bashum: “Well, while typically Ford Mustangs behave the same as most other vehicles in its class, when nearing a crowd, something amazing happens, it just loses control, almost like a excited puppy, it just wants to show off and jump into everyone's lap! Even more fascinating, when people are recording with cameras or phones, (typical in a protest situation), the Mustang’s crowd targeting ability increases 10 fold!” “ As of yet we can’t quiet define why this phenomenon exist, but the data doesn’t lie, the research is solid. If there’s a crowd, especially with cameras, the Mustang is almost certain to head straight for them in an enthusiastic manner.”

So how has this new discovery effected Ford, and more importantly security forces around the world? The answer, is with bang. Crashing into boardrooms of security forces around the globe, orders have been smashing through previous barriers. From Scotland Yard, SWAT, Israelis Mossad, Interpol, to Dubia and dozens more, orders for the latest Mustang GT have been demolishing sales records not seen at Ford for years. In fact, since the discovery, Ford’s stock has gone up 22% in just two weeks.

And taken notice Ford has. Though modification to the current Mustang wasn’t necessarily needed, Ford turned lose it’s Special Vehicle Team to enhance and provide perks appreciated by security forces. As expected SVT did not disappoint. Within a few months the SVT team came up with what it calls the “Crowd Reactive And Swarm Homing” package, or “CRASH” Mustang for short.

And the “CRASH” model has been a hit! Here are a few of its features: Steering wheel mounted “Trac Off” button for no nonsense reaction, catalyst delete exhaust* which provides higher decibel pre-impact warning (*Not available in California), reinforced front bumpers, suspension, and wheels designed for multiple crowd deployment ruggedness, nano technology paint for easy “clean up” post dispersion “event”, All Season Good Year tires for proper anti-traction adhesion, and probably our favorite feature, “Rev Unlimited Now” mode. When the “R.U.N.” mode is activated, the vehicle’s idle constantly revs between idle and redline in a wild and aggressive manner.

SVT engineer explained: “Between the Cat Delete and “R.U.N.” mode, we wanted to give “discerning activist” plenty of warning to leave and get to safety. If those congregating still refuse to disperse, the CRASH Mustang won’t hesitate to folic through its native environment, crowds of people.”

While Ford has stumbled across a hit in the world of “Crowd Control”, other related sectors are taking notice. Insiders at Ford tell us this is just the beginning. All four branches of the Armed Forces are taking interest as well as local municipalities with another unexpected twist, emergency services duty! We reached out to Henrick County fire chief Don T. Burns for evaluation of his personal experiment with Ford’s “CRASH” technology only using audible cues. Here’s what he had to say.

Burns: “It appears that over time, typical sirens which have been used for decades, have calloused the effects and concern of patrons. We simply swapped out our sirens with Ford’s “R.U.N.” technology playing out of our speakers (revving v8 Mustang sounds), and I wouldn’t believe the results if I didn’t see them myself. Cars were swerving out of the way in fear of getting hit, patrons were diving over guardrails with panic in their eyes, it was almost surreal! This stuff really works! “R.U.N.” technology from the “CRASH” program cleared the roads for us allowing for safer First Responder transportation.

It appears Ford has found a new way to “impact lives”. And while we remain neutral in regards to political tensions at the PP, there’s no doubt, that Ford’s new “CRASH” Mustang and technology, is going to be a hit.

The article has been written for satirical purposes and is not meant to represent the actual views of the parties mentioned therein.

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